My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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