a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
