I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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