Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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