So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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