we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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