Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
