I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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