I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize