The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
