so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
