having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
