it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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