Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize