apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
