mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Girls should come with a carfax report
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
