Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
