please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
