Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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