Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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