Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
