if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
