She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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