im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
