I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize