Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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