I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
