hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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