One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
