my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
