haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
