i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
