yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Randomize
