And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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