i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
