He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize