Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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