I CAN MOONWALK!
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
