Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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