these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
