when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
