So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
