hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
