My first STD was from a foam party
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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