She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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