the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
