i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Someone shattered a urinal.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
