is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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