My boss' voice literally gives me gas
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
