Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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