had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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