oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i think i just lost a toe
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
