Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
