shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
