i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
