why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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